Dancing With Shadows – Love And Friendship

There is an old saying that goes, don’t make friends with a shadow because a shadow does not smile. So true, eh ? Nor does a shadow talk. A shadow is just a reflection of something else. Old relationships are like that. Yet, sometimes we try to hold on to them, even when they no longer serve a purpose.  One of my biggest faults is that I  hang on to shadows, even though I know it is pointless. I don’t know why I do this. My head knows the truth, so why doesn’t my heart follow?  I guess the problem with me, I am sentimental. It’s a huge fault I need to overcome.
With the demise of Sai Baba some three years ago, I’d lost a large part of ‘me’ and my way of life. I’d enjoyed yearly visits to his Ashram for some twenty years, and although he never gave me much attention, I still enjoyed the vibrations and atmosphere of being in his energy field. When he died, I was devastated. What to do?  I tried to keep him alive through communicating with others around him. Big mistake on my part. They  did not offer much comfort or friendship, most were busy making new lives for themselves. After a year or so, I  too, wanted to move on, to forget the past, to begin a new life somewhere else. But moving house was not an option with a downturn in the market. Caught in that situation, I was dancing with shadows.
I still return to India during the winter to visit Sai Baba’s ashram. There is an undeniable presence of him there. There, in the subdued atmosphere of a bygone time,  that decaying vista, that once was his lively ashram, becomes tender. There’s plenty of time for quiet reflection on all that was and now isn’t.  The sun shines brightly over the ashram as always, the flower garden, even bigger now,  is abundant with tropical plants and trees. I sit by the shaded lily pond, and ponder on the mental pain. There’s still a presence of him everywhere, but for me the grieving is not over. Everywhere there are pointers of times gone by, that throw shadows I would rather not see.  I tell myself, “Oh get over it.”  I don’t though. I retrace my footsteps to all my old haunts.
I am going back this winter to India to take more photos, but this time I’ll take a whole new programme for building brand new habits.  Thanks to Tiny Buddha, here are some pointers toward a new future. Perhaps they can help you too, if you are also dancing with shadows. – Don’t dance with shadows. No, No No!

But the truth is, there are no sim
ple step-by-step instructions for knowing when it’s time to move on. Surely there are signs. But the most important is that small knowing voice within that says something isn’t right, and it can’t be fixed. It may never be easy to admit this. Endings always lead to uncertainty, and that can be terrifying. But they also beget new beginnings, and new opportunities for relationships that don’t leave us feeling depleted and defeated. How do we know when it’s time to move on? It’s when we find the courage to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that staying will do more harm than good. We’re the only ones who can admit this to ourselves. And we’re the only ones who can change our lives for the better by finding the strength to walk away. –Tiny Buddha



Identify what the experience taught you to help develop a sense of closure.
Here’s my new list:

1. Write everything you want to express in a letter. Even if you choose not to send it, clarifying your feelings will help you come to terms with reality as it is now.

2. Visualize an empowered single you—the person you were before meeting your friend or loved one. That former you was pretty awesome, and now you have the chance to be him or her again.

3. Create a space that reflects your present reality. Take down old pictures; delete their emails from your saved folder.

4. Reward yourself for small acts of acceptance. Get a facial after you delete all contact numbers.

5. Hang this statement somewhere you can see it. “Loving myself means letting go.

yellowstarshiningbright …
~ Eve

21 thoughts on “Dancing With Shadows – Love And Friendship

  1. Beautifully expressed ED, i think we all hang on to shadows, in some form or the other. I haven’t gone to parthi since my last trip their April 24th 2011. It took me a long time to get over being there when he passed away. Kind of scared i”ll fall into some kind of depression again. Maybe one day like you, with His grace, I will be able to face this particular shadow!! Thanks for the lovely post.


    1. you are welcome Ramesh. i am thinking of writing something else about Baba but not sure just what to write as the blog is mostly visited by non Sai folks. i miss Baba and the community – although he said, life was limited company,there was still a community around him,now rapidly depleting – any thoughts on what i could write or do you have something that would fit the blog? eve ps. trying yo wite this on a lap top – so not my best writing….. ;0


  2. Some beautiful thoughts. It’s the melancholy of letting things go but equally I don’t believe grief and the past should be deleted or forgotten. They are there for reflection, identity and learning even when we move on, and precisely because in the end we move on!


  3. Enjoyed reading this, Eve. The devastating loss of seeing Swami go (loss of his physical form) can never be completely healed. Yes, we move on, we look ahead, and all that realistic fun stuff. But, the real reality is that we can never get over the loss in our lives. Of course, we realize that it was a great blessing to be in His presence in this lifetime. The first year was absolutely brutal. Now, I can go to the ashram, walk around and feel that I am visiting my Father’s house. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss Him every minute that I am there….but still, I go back. It is home after all – cannot think of not going back.


    1. What a sweet message Chrins2 :)- I appreciate it. The vibrations are still there. I will be soaking up them pretty soon. When I speak here of dancing with shadows, I am not actually speaking about Swami, as much as the aftermath, and of course people I knew there – not that I was one to have friends, my visits never led me down the social path as such. Thanks so much, eve.


  4. Wonderful post, Eve. I too have been in the process of letting go, and it’s good to hear that I’ve been doing the right steps and the right things for me. Very helpful post–thank you so much 🙂


    1. Hi Hariod, yes we all dance with shadows at some point in our lives. I found taking up a new hobby helped me. I have ordered a new camera this week, so will be out and about taking photos for the rest of the summer. I need to limit my writing here for a while. I post too often, especially when dancing with those silly old shadows.. 😉


    2. Hi Hariod, I had no idea the you tube was here, how wonderful! I have not heard this song before. I love it. It’s so moo-chee – oh to be young again. love it.. eve x


        1. yes i did, “dancing with a shadow.” I thought I’d make up an original title for the post!!! oh Well. great music.. I am still listening.. So dreamily romantic and heart yearning. Reminds me of my days with Sai. He was my love-song. (a total enigma though.) – Don’t believe all you hear about him, I would not have stayed around, had he been a false teacher. On my first visit to the ashram there, I fell into a meditation that lasted six months.) It was total bliss and helped cure my depression, that was bad at the time. Oh well, thanks so much for the music.. eve


          1. Funnily enough, I was reading one of your earlier posts last night and came across a comment you made to another commenter about not believing all the stories about Sai Baba. I always carry with me an old English saying, ‘speak as you find’ – meaning don’t prejudge or rely on hearsay of course.

            Hariod. ❤


    3. I read your latest reply about your experience with Sai Baba Eve, though for some reason it is not appearing here – it doesn’t matter; I read it, and thank you for it. H. ❤


      1. I don’t like to put too much out there in comments where he is concerned.. It was just for your interest.. thanks so much eve 🙂


  5. Beautiful and very brave words Eve. You are expressing that desire within, and as you said, it is in admitting to ourselves that it is time to take that next step. Sometimes scary, and even a bit fearful, but always a path that brings more wisdom, love and a belief in self. Namaste


    1. thanks so much. 🙂 I do love your comments.. Actually the blog has already turned around. I let go of the original blog title, “Sathya Sai Memories” – now naming it, “Children of Light.” The letting go is not actually of Sai Baba, but someone I grew close to while there in the Ashram. Sai Baba is a powerful force, and one does not let go of him, well, only his physical form. I know he is probably not your cuppa – but truly he was not the person, you read about in the news. He was so much more than that. His aura was all light – all powerful wisdom. What is written here, is all from him really. He told me years ago, I would write one day. When I, at the time, never wrote a word. Thanks again, you cheer me on a cheerless Sunday. hugs eve


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